The Crawling Ear: The Ol’ iPod Shuffle

This may not be as lazy as my haiku collections, but it’s still pretty bad. I’m sorry, dear readers, but it’s just too damn hot right now in the Big Apple to be creative or thought-provoking. 97 degrees Fahrenheit – that’s 36 Celsius. Hot, right? You know what they say, though: it’s not the heat, it’s all the assholes who can’t stop complaining about it.

Anyway, let’s rip off the AV Club. I hit “Shuffle” on the ol’ iPod, something completely unexpected comes up, and I comment upon it. This would really mean something if I were famous or notable!

“Where’s Captain Kirk?” by Spizz Energi

This is that band that kept changing their name with every gig/record. Cute. Do the lyrics follow the plotline of some “Star Trek” episode I’m not aware of? Did Kirk disappear one time? I’m really not up on my Trek trivia. If I went on “Jeopardy!” and the final category was “Tribbles” or “Popular Romulans,” I’d be fucked. I’d have to bet zero and hope the people I was playing against were dumber than me. Anyway, this song is creepy and fun. I’ve liked it ever since I first heard it on a punk compilation in 1996.

“Olympic Fanfare And Theme” by John Williams

John Williams is like the AC/DC of classical music. The general public thinks he’s awesome, but true classical fans have their doubts. Some people really hate him. Does anyone else think it’s kind of goofy that an annual sporting event has its own theme? The only other thing I can think of like that is the “NBA on NBC” theme John Tesh wrote that I’m sure no one outside of the U.S. has heard. It’s just as stupid and annoying as you’d imagine a John Tesh basketball song to be. Oh, wait, “Monday Night Football” had that ridiculous Hank Williams, Jr. tune. Again, I doubt that one made its way overseas. Hey England, let me talk about a bunch of shit you’ve never heard! Yay!

“Wasted” by the Circle Jerks

They totally stole this song from Black Flag, but I guess that’s okay because singer Keith Morris was in Black Flag. This speedy version is pretty good, but it’s no substitute for the drunken-sounding original.

“Three Little Pigs” by Green Jelly

Ah, the classic heavy metal retelling of everyone’s favorite bedtime story. I really thought this was hilarious when I was a kid. It’s still pretty funny. Maynard from Tool apparently does the voices of the pigs. Why he left that off his resume I’ll never know. I’m glad Stallone made another Rambo movie, only because it will keep the end of this song relevant for a few more years.

“I’m Your Hoochie Coochie Man” by Fear

Fear recorded a real train wreck version of this tune for the 1984 movie Get Crazy. This one’s from the 2000 record American Beer. It’s much better than their initial stab. I feel like Fear and/or Lee Ving should only be allowed to record early Twentieth Century blues songs from now on. No more of this “have a beer with Fear, Blue Cheer, you queer, oh, I just saw a deer” yazz.

“At The Hop” by Danny & the Juniors

One of the greatest rock n’ roll songs of all-time. It’s got everything: boogie-woogie piano, hand-clapping, lots of oohing and aahing…just classic stuff. I’m going to be a real son of a gun now and bring up the fact Danny fatally shot himself in 1983, possibly because he realized his assertion that “Rock n’ Roll Will Never Die” was a load of crap. No, seriously, I’m sure he was very troubled and needed help. I’m sorry, anyone who knew him personally.

“Jimbo Song” by Reverend Horton Heat

This is where I reveal to you that I hate my name and wish songs like this didn’t exist. It’s that J, that big, stupid-sounding J. Juh. It’s like something a drunk might hiccup. James. Jim. Jimmy. Jimmy is the worst. That’s not my name. That’s some goofy, fat grade school kid who can’t stop touching himself and talking about Batman (I was the goofy, fat grade school kid who couldn’t stop touching himself and talking about Spider-Man). Old people love to sing that “Jimmy Mack” song at me, like that’s going to endear them to me. Hey old people, I don’t sing “The Geritol Shuffle” at your wrinkled faces. Get off my ass already with that.

“Sugar” by System of a Down

Because he mentions “mushroom people” early in the song, I have always assumed “Sugar” had something to do with Super Mario Brothers. I could probably watch a YouTube video of Mario and/or Luigi stomping out Goombas to this rockin’ tune. Those games would take on a whole new dimension if it turned out this song was written from Mario’s perspective. He’s probably more messed up than Danny from Danny & the Juniors. Wandering around that whacko dream world, fighting anthropomorphic turtles in out of the way castles only to discover every seven out of eight times the goddamn Princess has been moved to another castle. That shit would make me go nuts.

“Losing End” by Gluecifer

This is my “I’m tired, I want to strut around in slow motion and look weary” song. Very epic, very wandering the desert in search of something you’ll never find. As my friend Ross used to say, total foot-on-the-monitor rock (any song where, in concert, the guitarist would put his foot on the stage monitor to signify extra hard rocking). It’s good, though. Possibly the slowest, softest Gluecifer tune.

Next week: I videotape myself watching YouTube, then I post it on YouTube. Awesome dot com!