So we now know who all twelve Cylon models are. But what about that unnaturally graceful woman who gets on your bus every morning? Or that tall fellow always wittering on about ‘God’s plan’? And that ominous music that starts up whenever the blonde woman from marketing comes into eye view? Face it: there are still more out there, and they’re ready to strike…

Sarah Harding out of Girls Aloud

Stealing the pop Cylon crown formerly held by S Club Jo before she turned out to be not racist, she’s blonde, unfathomably hot, and has wily ways that aren’t quite natural. It’s not entirely clear how she’ll use her powers. The safe money is on her getting it together with Gordon Brown and getting access to Britain’s nuclear controls. If she starts talking about God, we’re all screwed.

Xtina and Naomi out of The Apprentice

There was a bit a few weeks ago in The Apprentice when all the women were lined up and looked so Vidal Sassoon fresh it was like watching an advert for High Definition TV. Seriously, even the horsey one. Now we’re down to two blonde killing machines who you can imagine quite literally eating other contestants for breakfast. If one episode opens with Lohit missing and them looking sated/blood-covered, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  

Ming Campbell

Not an obvious choice, I’ll grant you that. But consider the evidence. He’s well placed to do maximum damage to all humans (coalition government, people!). He’s a bit old and wise to add a modicum of believable diversity to the group (see also: Brother Cavil). He’s so dull that no-one would ever suspect him. He’s the only one, mind. If you’re going to create a whole new species, you might as well make them easy on the eye.

John Barrowman

We currently don’t seem to have a funtime Cylon. Now the Barrowman is hardly likely to turn up on MTV Spring Break, but he could certainly bring an end to po-faced discussions about fate by leering it up with every other Cylon model around.

Upside: brings many new talents to the toaster fold, including dancing, singing, presenting, ice skating and acting. Downside: most Barrowman models would probably just end up in a Captain Jack rutfest on the Basestar floor. (What do you mean, the horny little bugger’s a fictional creation? This is my imaginary new race, the Barrowman stays.)  

Female presenters on BBC News

Schooltoaster error from the Cylons here, accidentally deploying several of the same model on the same TV programme under the same name. Fools!

Back when it was just that Kaplinsky woman then they might have gotten away with it. Well placed to disseminate propaganda to make us weaken Earth’s defences, it was an ice maiden strike of epic proportions. But then they put out an identical model under the name ‘Kate’ ‘Silverton’, and ballsed it all to hell. Ha! Put them out the airlock. No, don’t bother with the DNA tests: airlock. Now.