WARNING: This column contains strong language and ideas which may offend the overly-sensitive. Please hit the 'Back' button if that's you...(also contains possible spoilers for Antichrist)

Down with this sort of thing!

So, Antichrist is out. When setting up my weekend ‘to do’ list, I placed seeing Antichrist at the very top. A film surrounded by controversy that features graphic scenes of violence, real sex and genital mutilation? I knew immediately that, regardless of what I thought of the film, I would definitely have material for the column.

On that front, and that front alone, Antichrist didn’t disappoint.  Unfortunately, given the nature of the subject matter, I’m not sure how much of what I came up with I can use on Den Of Geek without either getting into serious trouble with the editors or offending nearly all of the column's readers (those who didn’t depart from me in tears back when I was making fun of Transformers 2). So consider this introduction a warning, then, that this week’s column is not for the easily offended (it also features Antichrist spoilers).

So what is Antichrist? Its 90 minutes of pure tedium and 20 minutes of hardcore whatthefuckery. More specifically, it’s The Evil Dead, but with the fun parts swapped out for skull numbing psychobabble. And it takes itself seriously. The film starts with a black and white scene of a baby hurling himself from a window after seeing Willem Dafoe having sex. It’s an understandable reaction. I personally settled for pouring hot coffee into my eyes, but it’s really up to you to react to being horrified in the way that makes you feel most comfortable.

Then Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg talk for a million hours, decide to go into the woods and blah blah blah. Oh God, Antichrist is boring. It’s soul-crushingly dull. I’m sure you’ve seen some of the debate over whether it should be banned. I can settle this. It shouldn’t be banned, but it should probably be ignored. Here’s a metaphor: it seems to present itself as the Sex Pistols, but then when you look closely it’s actually just Busted wearing Sex Pistols t-shirts and swearing at the Brit awards. More embarrassing than offensive, then.

There are two main problems with Antichrist. One is the abovementioned dullness of all but the most extreme bits. The other is that when it ventures into the surreal it looks a bit silly and occasionally even funny (the bit with the talking fox). There were so many slightly odd things happening that I found myself willing the film to really go for it and just lose its mind. ‘Go on, Willem Dafoe,’ I urged with all of my being. ‘Fuck the deer. Go on. Mount him to make a point about capitalism or something.’

It was some time before there was anything I could relate to in any of the characters, and I was genuinely surprised with the form this took. Whilst bumbling through the woods, Willem Dafoe chances upon a doe (a deer, a female deer) with a baby deer hanging dead from her loins. At the time my brain was attempting a rather daring escape through my anus, and so I reasoned that our physical discomfort probably wasn’t all that different. Strange, the connections we make.

The part of the film that seems to have most upset people is the genital mutilation scene. It certainly is shocking and a bit stomach churning, but you will have to stay awake to get to that point in the film, which is a real chore. What happens is that Charlotte Gainsbourg takes a pair of scissors to herself, leaving Willem Dafoe as the only complete c**t on screen. Anyway, point is, the scene is difficult to watch and a bit grim, to the extent that it ends up on the list of reasons not to bother watching the film. Which, I think we’re starting to establish, is a fairly long list.

So is there any way to improve Antichrist? Yes, and it’s actually really simple. Remake it entirely with Muppets. Close-ups of Willem Dafoe having real sex are nauseating. A close-up of Kermit the Frog entering Miss Piggy would be the cinematic event of the decade. It would certainly make the extreme violence and gore more interesting. Imagine the comments Statler and Waldorf would make from the balcony as Miss Piggy gouged chunks of felt from between her thighs. Furthermore, we could replace all of the nonsense yammering with musical numbers or comedy routines from Fozzie Bear.

I should give Antichrist a fair shake, because there are a few positives. The cinematography ranges from pretty good to excellent, and a few of the scenes are quite atmospheric (the strange noise/striking image interludes that crop up from time to time). The cast are quite good. Charlotte Gainsbourg is pretty decent. I’ve never found Willem Dafoe entirely convincing as a human being, so having him play people always seems a stretch to me. Here he’s fine, his character's emotional detachment playing to his strength of being unusually un-person-like.

People will interpret Antichrist in different ways, depending on whether their gut instinct is that they do or do not enjoy it. I don’t enjoy it because I think it’s incredibly boring. If you’re looking for a good outrageous ‘in the woods’ horror then watch an Evil Dead film. If it’s an art house isolation film you want, then check out Hour Of The Wolf.

Antichrist just seems to be an exercise in getting people talking. It has been described as a film that provokes strong reactions and I concur with this statement. I felt very strongly that I should have gone to see Moon instead, which was showing on one of the cinema's other screens.

Perhaps here lies the real triumph of Antichrist, though. It has left me with basically no space to comment on Moon.

I did manage to catch up with Moon this weekend and will say no more than that it’s brilliant and that you should see it before some blathering idiot tells you all about it. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw a film I knew so little about beforehand. A fine film and a pleasant surprise which I would have ruined for you had I not had so much to comment on in Antichrist.

• Confused Views: Malicious pin dropping
• Confused Views: Beat me up, Scotty! 
• Confused Views: The Bloscars
• Confused Views: Dyer Dyer pants on fire
• Confused Views: Strictly for chump-core
• Confused Views: It’s great that we’re breeding!
• Confused Views: Catch the f#@!ing pigeon