Ladies and Gentlemen, not only have I miraculously recovered from the Weezer-induced paralysis that struck me down last week, but I have also experienced a major breakthrough as a semi-professional, multi-national, occasionally paid music critic. Yes, my dear, geeky friends, I have discovered/invented/stolen the art of haiku album reviews.

Think about it. What more can be said about any given piece of media beyond seventeen syllables? Nothing! If you can’t nail it in three lines, you’re doomed. Go beg for your job back at McDonald’s. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the world’s gonna end in 2012. Music fans simply don’t have the time to read an entire five or six paragraph review. Minimalism isn’t just hip anymore, folks – it’s essential.

With that in mind, here now are reviews of seven albums I recently acquired at the Princeton Record Exchange (New Jersey’s number one record shop without a public bathroom) in tender, brief Japanese form:

Run-D.M.C. – Crown Royal

They call this album
“Crown Royale” in France (ha ha)
it’s still pretty good

Various Artists – Golden Throats 2

Sam J. Ervin sings
“Bridge Over Troubled Water”
how it makes me cry

“Weird Al” Yankovic – Running With Scissors

Nearly perfect, Al
I just hate that damn “Star Wars” song
kind of ironic

House of Pain – Fine Malt Lyrics

More pop culture refs
than three weeks on VH-1
1992

Crispin Glover – The Big Problem Does Not Equal The Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be

George McFly raps, sings
and reads to you about rats
as good as you think

The Dickies – The Incredible Shrinking Dickies

Leonard Phillips Graves
bleats like a mad goat in heat
all-time favorite

Manic Hispanic – The Menudo Incident

Hey, who told these guys
Mexican stereotypes
and punk were funny?

Next week: Ted Knight? Maybe!

James's Crawling Ear will be back next Wednesday; read his last column here