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The Crawling Ear column: A Hip-Hopera Of Epic (And Unfinished) Proportions
James Greene Jr
An exclusive excerpt of, er, 'Untitled Hip-Hopera by Michael & James', a rap opera that may not see the light of day for a while...!
A couple of years ago, I met this guy named Michael P. who was kind of obsessed with the idea of helping early nineties flash-in-the-pan rapper Skee-Lo resurrect his long dead career. We talked about this often at our temporary editing job in Florida (which is probably why neither of us ever got hired on full-time). It wasn’t long before we had conceived the rough outline of a rap opera – a hip-hopera, if you will – crammed with intrigue, mystery, excitement, and, of course, tons of rapping. It would be just like R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet” epic, only an album, not a video, and it wouldn’t be overshadowed by pee videos.The basic plot of our totally crunk rap opera revolved around rhyme-spittin’ legend Slick Rick dying under mysterious circumstances. Why Slick Rick, you ask? Because Michael and I could both do a pretty passable impression of the one-eyed rap originator. So Slick Rick dies and comes back as a ghost, trying in vain to haunt countless A-list rappers who are all too busy to pay attention to him anyway. Rick ends up haunting Skee-Lo because the lil’ guy’s had nothing but time on his hands since his one hit, “I Wish.” Frightened but all too willing to help the deceased Rick, Skee-Lo starts investigating the various beefs that surrounded MC Ricky D during his mortal coil.
I will provide for you an excerpt of “Untitled Hip-Hopera By Michael & James,” because by this point I know you’re dying to read one. In this brief scene, Skee-Lo busts into the ginormous mansion of Snoop Dogg and confronts the smooth-voiced weed advocate about his possible role in Rick’s death:
[CRASHING SOUNDS]
SNOOP
Yo, who’s in my kitchen?
SKEE-LO
It’s me, Skee-Lo!
SNOOP
Say what?
SKEE-LO
Yo, I know it sounds crazy, but Rick came back from the dead
his ghostly ass was droppin’ knowledge on my head
heard he gave you stock advice that turned out to be whack
your portfolio is worthless, so you went to cut off his sack
but you was filled with rage and you took it too far
that’s why pieces of his track suit are stuck in the grill of yo’ car
SNOOP
Now hold up, son, you better watch what you say
D-oh-double-g ain’t in a very good mood today
the bitch-ass gardener done fucked up my lawn
and my personal chef is mad outta prawn
you lucky my butler just Tivo’d “Will & Grace”
or I’d make beef stew out yo’ muthafuckin’ face
I been down with Slick Rick since the Old Testament
even if the clown done fucked up my investments
Sure I was mad, but I also wasn’t around
When that super crazy tragic shit went down
That’s Will Smith’s threads in the grill of the Benz
We be ballin’ in the driveway on free weekends
I suggest you go to Compton and talk to Ice Cube
Lest you wander ‘round here lookin’ like a rube
SKEE-LO
a’ight, I feel ya, I’ll go down and see Cube
but if yo be lyin’ I’ma pwn you like a n00b!
SNOOP
Yo, who’s in my kitchen?
SKEE-LO
It’s me, Skee-Lo!
SNOOP
Say what?
SKEE-LO
Yo, I know it sounds crazy, but Rick came back from the dead
his ghostly ass was droppin’ knowledge on my head
heard he gave you stock advice that turned out to be whack
your portfolio is worthless, so you went to cut off his sack
but you was filled with rage and you took it too far
that’s why pieces of his track suit are stuck in the grill of yo’ car
SNOOP
Now hold up, son, you better watch what you say
D-oh-double-g ain’t in a very good mood today
the bitch-ass gardener done fucked up my lawn
and my personal chef is mad outta prawn
you lucky my butler just Tivo’d “Will & Grace”
or I’d make beef stew out yo’ muthafuckin’ face
I been down with Slick Rick since the Old Testament
even if the clown done fucked up my investments
Sure I was mad, but I also wasn’t around
When that super crazy tragic shit went down
That’s Will Smith’s threads in the grill of the Benz
We be ballin’ in the driveway on free weekends
I suggest you go to Compton and talk to Ice Cube
Lest you wander ‘round here lookin’ like a rube
SKEE-LO
a’ight, I feel ya, I’ll go down and see Cube
but if yo be lyin’ I’ma pwn you like a n00b!
And scene.
We actually never got past that exchange. For some reason, Michael and I both developed excruciating headaches after completing said dialogue. That’s proof positive it’s extremely hard for white guys to produce even the lamest of flows.
One day we’ll complete our epic Skee-Lo rap opera. One day the human race will also live on Mars in affordable space housing owned by Ivanka Trump. In the meantime, I’ll start taking suggestions for a snappy title.
James's Crawling Ear column appears every Wednesday at Den Of Geek. Last week's is here.
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There's a market out there for James' hiphopera...
